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Note: Political positions can and will change at random. Candidate cannot be held responsible for not following through with any of these positions. That's how politics works, basically.
BUDGET AND THE ECONOMY:
As it's been explained to me, apparently the economy is like super important or something? That's why I'm in favor of legalizing basically everything, and then taxing it to hell. Want to hunt a man and strangle him with your bare hands on national television? That'll be $500 million dollars, please, payable to everyone who knew that person! Economy fixed, people. That's how you stimulate consumer spending.
Unemployment is an epidemic in this country. That's why I'm in favor of a guaranteed minimum salary for all Americans. Using some creative tax accounting, that will free up more Americans to pursue their dream jobs, and also allow growth in industries and sectors that have lost jobs in the last two decades, such as 'sexy model who dances in a cage at a party' or 'plucky but lovable vagabond who shines your shoes, that rascal!'
I understand that there are issues which divide our country. Meet the 'Put Up or Shut Up' law. Against gay marriage? You can protest, but for every hour you spend protesting, you must spend an equal hour volunteering on a marriage crisis hotline to protect the sanctity of marriage. Against abortion? Receive 500 free protesting hours when you adopt a third-world child to show your commitment to children's lives and futures!
Frankly, I'm shocked that I'm the only candidate who has thus far publicly said that I'm against people committing crimes. That said, I'm in favor of legalizing new 'sexy' crimes, such as stealing a famous painting with a team of ten of your friends, seducing a security guard and then knocking him unconscious with your knock-out lipstick, or driving motorcycles super fast on curvy, deserted mountain roads in your leather jacket.
I'm not really in favor of legalizing any drugs, except maybe marijuana, but only because I'm pretty sure it's gonna happen anyway and I don't want anyone to call me a dork. Oh, we can also legalize that other one! What was it called? Remember that Bradley Cooper movie where he takes that drug and then he's super smart and does a lot of hard work and stuff? I think Robert De Niro was in that movie too. Let's legalize that drug if it exists. If not, no sweat, forget I said anything.
Look, I watch a lot of television, and if there's one thing I can vouch for, it's that the average American is pretty stupid. So we're going to sell a couple of those fancy battleships the military has and use that money to send people back to school. Also, let's pay teachers more money, specifically teachers who work with really young kids, or teenagers. All teachers deserve more, but I'd like to pay teachers who work with kids more because I bet it's hard to find people who will put up with really annoying kids and teens all day.
I have a revolutionary new idea for power in this country. It came to me one day in the bathtub, and the idea has stuck with me ever since. What's the most powerful source of energy known to man? The sun. Why hasn't anyone invented a large, flat object that you place in the sun, where it gathers energy and then saves it up for later? This large, flat panel would collect solar energy and store it in some sort of battery, allowing us to reduce our usage of fossil fuels. I'm going to assign top men to invent this dream technology.
My model for environmental integration mirrors the ideas proposed by G.W. Lucas in his 1983 essay. Using his model of sustainable environmental living, future humans should be able to coexist peacefully with nature by trending more towards eco-conscious designs, integrated forest living, and careful usage of renewable resources. While many have claimed Lucas' vision of environmentalism is something close to science fiction, I believe the model he proposes clearly displays merit and warrants further investigation.
Foreign policy has always been a challenging hurdle for the United States of America. Many countries claim legitimate issue with America, creating a global atmosphere of unrest and unease. That's why, in an attempt to ease global tensions, I propose a radical new solution: we should rename the entire world America. What better way to erase the problems people have with America than by just incorporating them into the country? I dream of a bright future, where all mankind can be united under a single banner... the star-spangled one.
Look, I know this is going to be a tough one, but we're going to have to put all current elected officials into hard labor penal camps. Also, probably their friends and family too so things don't get super messy. I know this is maybe a little extreme, but I've weighed a lot of options, and it was either this, or fire them out of a cannon into the sun. I thought this way was more productive. Let's have a clean sweep of our elected officials and start fresh. Also, let's have our current lawmakers use their time in labor camps to create iPhones for the rest of us. Win win!
Gun control is a touchy subject for millions of Americans. That's why, in the spirit of uniting this great country, I don't propose any new sweeping gun control legislation. Instead, I'd like to institute a simple program where all gun owners register as either a 'good guy' or a 'bad guy'. As you all know, the only thing that apparently stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy, so gun ownership will now fall under the buddy system. Failure to report if you're a bad guy, or going outside without your buddy, means stiff jail time. Sorry, that's the price of peace.
I think the cure to a happy, healthier America is through a little T-L-C. That's why my administration is going to make it illegal for people ranked 9 or 10 hotness to marry people ranked 8 or above. 9 or 10 hotness Americans will instead be married off to people ranked 5 or 6 hotness, creating a much more attractive population within three generations. I'm assuming good looking people are healthier, right? Oh, and 7 and 8 hotness people can marry each other. Anything less than 5 will be relegated to 'mole people' status beneath the Earth.
Similar to my stance on Foreign Policy, I feel like maybe fringe groups hate us because they secretly kinda want to be us? That's why I'm in favor of carpet bombing trouble areas around the world with delicious burritos and fresh guac. These will be accompanied by free 10 day trials of Netflix (streaming only, we're not made of money) so that everyone can basically see how awesome America is, and then they'll probably chill out or something.
Let's crack open those borders, people! That's how America got great! That said, I have a three tier system for accepting immigrants:
TIER A: People with mad skills of various types; people who are really good cooks; people who are smoking hot.
TIER B: People with comical accents who can make us smile; people who are only sorta useful but aren't super lame about it.
TIER C: Everyone else. They can stay at home, don't even bother, legit.
I think our pay structure for a lot of current jobs is totally messed up. We're going to need to cut pay for select positions (professional athletes, CEOs, bankers, politicians) and increase salaries for select professions (teachers, scientists, firefighters, police officers, enlisted servicemen). Also, my administration would introduce tax breaks for job creators in key industries, such as: creators of novelty hat; innovations in tacos and taco sciences; people who make pants with expandable waistbands.
SCIENCE AND TECH:
Our scientists are still among the best in the world, but there are several key areas that we have fallen behind in, including jetpacks, robot butlers, and super serums. Going forward, a large portion of our national budget will go to scientific innovations and funding kickin' rad science discoveries. I'd also like to get lightsabers made, so if someone can focus on that, that'd be awesome. My other interests include realistic robots that look like celebrities who you can make out with, and creating portals to neat worlds with hot alien babes.
What costs $2.5 trillion and doesn't exist? Haha, social security, good joke right! America needs to have a good yard sale so that we can refund social security to keep it going. Let's put some national treasures out on the White House lawn and invite other countries to come over and take a look. Maybe we can get a really good price for Abraham Lincoln's top hat, or a beer coozie that Benjamin Franklin used or something. We can also consider selling off states to fund it. Florida's the first to go, but we get to keep Disney World as part of the package.
Lower taxes for me and everyone who makes less than me, higher taxes for everyone else. Sorry not sorry.
World peace is my number one goal. I'd like to encourage world peace by working towards unilateral nuclear disarmament, and replacing all current nuclear weapons with hand-drawn pictures of children playing outdoors drawn by third graders. Then, when people think about using nuclear weapons, they can crack open the bunker, take a look at that cute picture of two kids jumping rope drawn in crayon, and rethink whether or not they want to blow up the world.
Everyone needs a hand up now and again. That's why my administration will increase welfare support to the poorest Americans, as well as single parents. Speaking of single parents, my plan specifically addresses them by providing government babysitters for their kids while these single parents can attend sexy mixers to meet other single parents and maybe get a little something-something going. The government babysitters will be former DMV agents, since they seem great at putting people to sleep.