THE THING TO REMEMBER BEFORE THIS LIST:

Dear Democrats,

There’s a popular cliché in politics: “Democrats fall in love, Republicans fall in line”. Basically, Republicans will rally behind whatever candidate the political establishment picks while Democrats will still splinter and pick their favorites, splitting the vote and screwing up elections in something called the ‘spoiler effect’.

So here’s the thing: every candidate is garbage.

Yes, including your favorite candidate.

You need to get over this sooner than later, because otherwise we’re going to end up with a repeat of 2016 where some Dems vote for Clinton, some Dems vote for Jill Stein, and some Dems just stay home entirely. It fractured the progressive vote, and what would have been a clean win for Clinton instead split and handed the win to (easily) the worst President in American history.

Look, I think the two party system is bullshit. I 100%, absolutely do. I would prefer a ranked voting system where the most popular candidate all around wins, but that’s not what we’ve got. In the worlds of the awful Donald Rumsfeld, “You go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have.” We’ve currently got a two party system, so you have to work within the confines of the two party system until we don’t. Work to change it — please, I’m begging you. But quit holding up candidates to this impossible standard that makes it difficult for everyone to get onto the same page and instead delivers a victory to the lesser preferred candidate.

The goal of this isn’t to tear down your favorite candidate. It’s to remind you that every single candidate has their own issues, and waiting for the perfect ‘savior of the party’ is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

Republicans have won the popular vote in only four of the last eleven elections. That means they’re not the preferred party in America. So please accept that your Democrat hero is kinda shitty, and realize that when rubber hits the road, you need to get behind whoever ends up running on the ballot, period. It’s too important in order to shut out another future Trump.

Work to fix the system, but go to war with the army you’ve got today.

 
 

OUR HOPEFUL Contenders

… and the dumbest photo I can find of them

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JOE BIDEN

Pros:

  • Reminds me how much I miss Barack Obama, and I’m like a junior high school girl who can’t get over her crush

  • Strong history of being connected to the working class and understanding the needs of working-class Americans

  • Knowledgable, and has served in an Executive position in the government

Cons:

  • Like Obama, pretty cozy to Wall Street and open to deregulation of business [+]

  • Voted ‘yes’ in '1996 to gut TANF and inner-city families on government aid [+]

  • Helped write that crazy racist 1994 ‘super-predator’ crime bill [+]

  • Still supports the War on Drugs [+]

  • Voted in favor of the Iraq War and the Patriot Act [+]

  • Voted ‘yes’ in 2006 on the Border Fence [+]

  • Doesn’t care about Net Neutrality because he’s old and the internet is a series of tubes [+]

  • Supported the Trans-Pacific Partnership [+]

  • Is super handsy and touchy in a #metoo world where old white guys being creepy to women is… lame… [+]

 
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MICHAEL BLOOMBERG

Pros:

  • Key campaign issue includes sensible gun control reform

  • Key campaign issue includes addressing global warming

  • Doesn’t give a shit about legacy and is willing to aggressively pursue an agenda

Cons:

  • Changes political parties like I change underwear [+]

  • Huge proponent of ‘stop and frisk’ laws, which overwhelmingly target minority communities [+]

  • Might actually be Lucille Bluth, and has no connection to the common man whatsoever [+]

  • Is fine with privatizing resources because he’s literally Mr. Monopoly and loves big business [+]

 
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CORY BOOKER

Pros:

  • OG actually cares about his constituents — I once watched him shovel driveways during a snowstorm to help seniors get out of their house

  • Solidly progressive and aggressive about his agenda

  • Seems likable (despite the awful photo above) and is, at worst, neutrally perceived by Republicans

Cons:

  • Voted not to allow seniors to import cheaper prescriptions from Canada, to the benefit of his district but in opposition to helping seniors [+]

  • Defended venture capitalism and Mitt Romney’s Bain Capital, whose entire business model is stripping businesses and laying off workers to maximize profits [+]

  • Actively searched for Wall Street backers before announcing a Presidential run [+]

 
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SHERROD BROWN

Pros:

  • Solid dealmaker who maintains the respect of both political parties

  • Strong representative for his district who has consistently maintained a progressive agenda for decades

  • Not particularly interested in corporate interests

Cons:

  • Strong supporter of a bill making it illegal to attempt to financially divest from Israeli interests, gagging free speech protections [+]

  • Has accepted the most corporate PAC money of any currently announced candidate [+]

  • Doesn’t support universal healthcare, but wants it for policemen and firefighters [+]

  • A literal black hole of charisma… I mean, he always looks like somebody’s frumpy uncle, and he’s got about as much charm as a stale loaf of bread. And I say that as someone who likes Sherrod Brown

 
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STEVE BULLOCK

Pros:

  • Well-respected governor

  • Known as a ‘uniter’ Democrat

Cons:

  • His primary job as the head of the DGA is to drum up slush money from Wall Street interests [+]

  • Illegally used campaign funds in 2016 and had to repay them [+]

  • Sued to let the IRS collect additional information on taxpayers in hopes that he could use the data to better find people who would donate money to him [+]

  • Literally nobody outside Montana cares about him

 
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JULIAN CASTRO

Pros:

  • Previously served in a federal capacity as the head of the Housing and Urban Development department

  • Idealistic, young, and Obama-ish

  • Solid progressive ideas

Cons:

  • Sold troubled mortgages to Wall Street while serving at HUD [+]

  • Wishy-washy ‘don’t rock the boat’ agenda; initial proposal for college was limited to two years, which changed to four after pressure from outside groups [+]

  • Nobody outside Texas knows him yet unless they’re a politidork

  • His smile kinda freaks me out, sorry not sorry

 
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JOHN DELANEY

Pros:

  • Well-respected Representative

  • Known as a ‘uniter’ Democrat

Cons:

  • Won’t endorse Medicare-for-All but is open to universal healthcare [+]

  • Fast-tracked the TPP [+]

  • The only Democrat in his state not endorsed by the local unions [+]

  • Literally wrote a book saying that one of the problems in America is that Democrats aren’t compromising enough with Republicans (yuck) [+]

 
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TULSI GABBARD

Pros:

  • Her district seems to like her?

  • Pretty middle-of-the-road Democrat

Cons:

  • Has weird ties to an Islamophobic group [+]

  • Previously worked for an anti-LGBTQIA group that endorsed conversion therapy [+]

  • Voted to block Syrian refugees from entering America [+]

  • Endorsed torture by the military and said she was ‘conflicted’ about it [+]

  • Took money from Kaiser Permanente and then voted with Republicans to ‘abolish Obamacare death panels’ [+]

  • Voted to let mentally ill veterans buy guns [+]

  • Bravely came out against the Iraq War two years after it ended [+]

  • Lied about taking Wall Street donations [+]

  • Frequent Fox News guest to talk about how disappointed she was in Obama (and not because he wasn’t liberal enough) [+]

 
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ERIC GARCETTI

Pros:

  • Well-respected as the Mayor of Los Angeles

  • Looks 100% like a Pixar character but in real life

Cons:

 
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KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND

Pros:

  • Lawyer, so she’s kinda brainy

  • Strong support of gender equality legislation and prosecuting sexual harassment and assault

Cons:

  • Has a weird history of being pro-gun and anti-immigrant [+]

  • Rated the lowest of all NY Democrats by the HRC for her stances on gay rights [+]

  • Once had a perfect record of voting 100% with the NRA [+]

  • Actively searched for Wall Street backers before announcing a Presidential run [+]

 
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KAMALA HARRIS

Pros:

  • Confident and experienced in the legal system

  • Strong presence in recent administration hearings

  • Seen as an ‘Obama successor’ by progressive groups

Cons:

  • Opposed legalization of marijuana in 2010, reversed course once the issue hit the national stage years later

  • Sketchy record of actually being a progressive prosecutor, including opposing police body cams, ignoring faulty evidence in conviction cases, opposing the death penalty but still seeking it as a prosecutor, and some ambiguities within her office as to the nature and legality of prison labor [+]

  • Strong history of investigating and prosecuting blue collar crimes while simultaneously ignoring white collar crimes [+]

  • Actively searched for Wall Street backers before announcing a Presidential run [+]

 
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JOHN HICKENLOOPER

Pros:

  • Oversaw Colorado’s switch to legal marijuana and helped grow it into a boom economy

  • Passed common sense gun control legislation

Cons:

  • Prefers ‘insurer-friendly’ healthcare to universal healthcare [+]

  • Friendly towards deregulation [+]

 
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AMY KLOBUCHAR

Pros:

  • Pissed off “Boofin’” Bret Kavanaugh

  • Very good at introducing and getting bills passed

  • Did I mention how mad she made Kavanaugh? Hell yeah.

Cons:

  • Wants to find ‘middle ground’ with insurance companies rather than fight for universal healthcare or Medicare-for-All [+]

  • Relatively unknown outside her state

 
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TERRY MCAULIFFE

Pros:

  • Political insider with vast connections to the Clinton campaigning machine

Cons:

  • Wall Street friendly [+]

  • Half-heartedly defended the miscarriage of patriotism that was the Unite The Right rally [+]

 
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BETO O’ROURKE

Pros:

  • Makes us all feel the same way Barack did, OH GOD, I MISS YOU BARACK

  • Played in a punk band

  • Made the Zodiac Killer Ted Cruz actually fight for his seat

Cons:

  • Isn’t actually super progressive, but more center-left [+]

  • Won’t commit to universal healthcare/Medicare-for-All [+]

  • Accepted sizable donations from the oil industry [+]

 
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Richard Ojeda

Cons:

  • This guy unironically voted for Trump as a protest vote so I’m not even going to give him a Pro section. [+]

 
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Bernie Sanders

Pros:

  • The People’s Champion, literally the most well-liked figure in among the Democratic party hovering around a steady 70% approval rating without trying at all

  • The most liberal of all liberals

Cons:

  • Dude, Bernie is old as shit

  • Not really a Democrat, so he’s kinda a wildcard; if not nominated, will 100% split the vote should he continue to run

 
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Elizabeth Warren

Pros:

  • Is literally Lisa Simpson IRL

  • All about financial regulation

  • Supports almost all of the most liberal parts of liberal causes

Cons:

  • The DNA test thing is, like, Top 5 political blunders of the last few years. You thought you were going to beat Donald Trump and his supporters with facts and logic? No, Poindexter, they don’t respect facts, and even if you came back 101% Native American, they still would have found a reason to shit on you for it. She’s never going to shake that appearance in a good chunk of the eyes of the population.

 
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Andrew Yang

Pros:

  • Supports a universal basic income

Cons:

  • Literally has no idea how to implement a universal basic income in an aggressively capitalistic country

  • Wanted to copy the Chinese social credit system, which was literally an episode of Black Mirror [+]