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DID YOU KNOW THAT 50% OF AMERICAN MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE?

Sorry, champ, but that dream relationship of yours is basically one coin flip away from disaster. It sucks, but that's life! Thankfully, there are grizzled dating veterans out there who can help you find the next love of your life.

My name is Austin, and when I'm not busy planning to die alone, I casually browse online dating sites because I hate myself. On this very website, I'm going to give you the insider knowledge you'll need to make the perfect online dating profile.

Don't waste another moment, let's get started!

 
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GENERAL TIPS

DO'S

• Be attractive. Attractive people can do literally anything.

• List the things you're kinda-sorta interested in.

• Make your life sound awesome, even if it's not true.

 

DON'Ts

• Be unattractive. Uggos (anyone lower than a 7/10) will starve to death in online dating.

• List the things you're genuinely interested in; only list safe, generic hobbies.

• List any of your actual real life issues, insecurities, or fears -- nobody cares about your feelings.

 

PROFILE PICTURES

FOR WOMEN

• Men, more so than women, will care about your appearance in dating profile photos. That's why it's important to only post group photos of you and the same four friends. Which one are you? Why does it matter, PERVERT.

• Make sure to liberally apply a filter to your photos. If a regular iPhone or Instagram filter doesn't express your uniqueness, a Snapchat filter will. Dudes love women who look like puppies.

 

FOR MEN

• For men, you have your choice of three profile pictures:

- You without a shirt

- You skiing or hiking

- You holding a beer

• Any picture you use as a profile picture should be as out of focus and grainy as possible. Women will especially love if the photo is taken from very far away, and you're very small in frame.

 

HOBBIES

FOR WOMEN

• There are thousands of hobbies and interests in the world. For your profile, pick two from the following list of required 'online dating friendly' hobbies:

- Hiking

- Skiing

- Going on 'adventures'

- Just 'being outdoors'

 

FOR MEN

• There are thousands of hobbies and interests in the world. For your profile, pick two from the following list of required 'online dating friendly' hobbies:

- Hiking

- Skiing

- Going on 'adventures'

- Going to the gym

 

ABOUT YOU

FOR WOMEN

• If you have children, be sure to specify they are 'your whole world'. If you don't specify that your children are your whole world, everyone will assume you don't love your children enough. If you don't have children, a dismissive comment about 'breeders' will suffice.

• You can either love your job or hate your job, but nothing in-between. Pick one and stick to it.

• To make sure everyone knows you're a fierce individual, be sure to include the phrase 'I'm not like other girls'.

 

FOR MEN

• You don't have children. You've never had children. You don't know what a child is. What's a child again? Wait until the fourth date to mention that you actually have three kids and they're 'pretty cool I guess'.

• Your job is 'OK I guess', but be sure to specify what you really want to be doing for a living: recording YouTube videos of you playing Call of Duty.

• Always, without fail, be sure to mention that you're 'down for hanging out or whatever'.

 
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WHO SHOULD YOU DATE/SWIPE RIGHT/ASK OUT?

FOR WOMEN

• Men who look exactly like your last boyfriend.

• Men who kinda seem like assholes. You can probably fix that -- if they stop being an asshole to you, you probably fixed them for the rest of the world! It's not like they're trying to get laid or anything.

• Men without jobs/with multilevel marketing jobs.

 

FOR MEN

• Women under 5' tall and who weigh less than a ham sandwich; everyone else is too fat or too tall.

• Women who are looking for a 'sugar daddy' or describe themselves as 'not girlfriend material'.

• Women without jobs or goals who are just 'experiencing the world'.

 

FINAL NOTES

• Keep holding out for that perfect unicorn without previous marriages, children, or emotional baggage.

• Be prepared to die alone.

• If you choose not to die alone, please abandon your sense of romance or the idea of 'love like in the movies'. The best you're going to get is settling for someone with a job who doesn't have an arrest record.

• Take a good, hard look in the mirror and figure out why nobody wants to go out with you. It's probably because there's absolutely nothing remarkable about you at all.

• If you're an 8/10 or above, ignore all the rules above. You literally will get ten dates within the first half hour on a dating service, and be remarried within the year. Godspeed you, you gorgeous supernovas of sexual energy.