DEAR AUSTIN: I have a rash. It's on my right knee. I've yet to have a conclusive diagnosis. Lotion will ease the itchiness, and the $400 prescription creme will decrease redness but it never goes away. I'm not a shorts person, I wear pants, and I don't kneel excessively or rub it on anything. I don't know what to do.
DEAR SCRATCHY JOINTS: It sounds like you have two problems here: an aesthetic issue, and an issue of comfort. Since you’re not a shorts person and you don’t feel like you touch the rash unnecessarily, I think we’re left to conclude that much like the heat death of the universe, your rash is inevitable, and it is best to learn to live with it. To best facilitate this, I’d recommend getting a tattoo on your knee and incorporating the redness of the rash into the color palette. You’ll save on tattoo ink, and since your rash isn’t going away, you’ll have the best of both worlds. Although a tattoo is a deeply personal choice, I would suggest a tattoo of a slice of watermelon, because everyone likes watermelon, and if anybody sees you reaching for it to itch, you can just announce that you forgot it wasn’t real, and you’re very hungry for watermelon. Since you obviously love watermelon enough to get a tattoo of it, everyone will understand where you’re coming from, guaranteed.