Regarding St. Barnabas School for Thoughtful Boys

DEAR AUSTIN: How thoughtful were the boys at St. Barnabas school? Inquiring minds need to know.


DEAR INQUIRIN’ KING: I’m flattered you’ve asked about the St. Barnabas School for Thoughtful Boys, my alma mater. As long-time readers may know, I am a graduate of the St. Barnabas program, where I spent most of my youth in their ‘intensive thoughtfulness’ program. This program helped prepare me for an advice giving career, and is still nationally acclaimed for their intensive ‘gazing at the sea and thinking’ and ‘writing sensitive letters to casual acquaintances’ program offerings.


In regards to your question, Inquirin’ King, I would say that the boys of St. Barnabas are significantly more thoughtful than the average boy or young man. Students are advised to speak only when they have something poignant or poetic to say, so most of the young men spend many hours of their day in deep contemplation waiting for someone to make a comment about the transient nature of life, or about the changing of the seasons. Failure to follow this procedure often results in expulsion, so rest assured that if a St. Barnabas boy speaks, it is for an excellent reason only.