DEAR AUSTIN: Why does it burn when I pee?
TENDER IN TOOELE
DEAR TENDER: Great question. Pain while urinating can be a tricky (and painful) subject, and unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of easy answers as to why you’re feeling that way. My first assumption is, as always, that you’ve involved your genitals in some unsavory conduct in the recent past. If you can recall such an incident, I am inclined to say it is the source of your problems; if you cannot, we may need to look at some more unlikely options. Have you recently swam the rivers of the Amazon, and is it possible that one of those small razorfish that swim up people’s urethras has entered into your system? Were you perhaps abducted by aliens who proceeded to probe the wrong side of you as a prank towards the new guy on the spaceship? No matter how your pain arrived, what matters is minimizing it now. The traditional solution would be to go to a doctor, sure, but I would like to propose the alternate theory that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and you’re only enhancing the power of your genitals by toughing through the pain. Whether you’d rather have immediate comfort now or indestructible, super powerful genitals in a month, is entirely your choice.