love and romance

Getting Yourself A Man

DEAR AUSTIN: What’s the best way for a single 34 year old women to meet a decent man? I’m old and lonely.


DEAR DOWN AND OUT: You are not the only one stumped by the mysteries of love. Some people seem to attract and radiate love, falling into incredible relationships easily, while the rest of us flounder meeting the fifth person in a row who very well may be a serial killer if they weren’t so frankly dull or boring. Or, worse, you meet someone exciting who makes you feel alive, and it turns out they’re addicted to crystal meth and have been dodging their illegitimate children in six states. I feel for you, friend. I’ll give to you the same advice that was given to me in my younger days — if you want love, lower your standards. If a decent person is hard to find, it’s either because your standards for decency are too high, or the entire rest of the world has slipped lower than your standards. Statistically speaking, I know which one is more likely, and neither you nor I are going to like it. Have you tried searching for good-spirited but unattractive-looking people? Remember, ugly people need love too, and they’re more willing to work for it since they can’t float by on being attractive. Find yourself a minger and be happy, my child!