THINGS I WANT FOR MY FUNERAL
- Nobody is allowed to be sad in front of my corpse, period. You can come and say obscene things or act goofy but absolutely nobody is allowed to be grim or melancholy. If you're going to cry, at least make a funny excuse for it ('Man, what a terrible day for rain indoors'), but don't, like, cry. If the mood feels somber and off, someone needs to loudly announce that a somber funeral would have pissed me off and that everyone should lighten up. Alternately, each new visitor is required to loudly ask, 'Wow, who died in here?' upon entering my funeral services. I am firm about this subject.
- No religious stuff -- i.e., don't open and close with a prayer, and don't waste anybody's time reciting scripture. I appreciate the sentiment, and I understand if it will bring you peace, but I certainly didn't enjoy sitting in church when I was alive so I would really rather prefer you not make me sit in church now that I'm dead.
- Nobody wears funeral attire. I mean, you can if you want, but please make it very clear that you don't have to wear anything stuffy or uncomfortable to my funeral. In fact, if you can wear some sort of terrible Halloween costume (including 'Sexy Whatever' costumes), or dress in historical period clothing, that'd be great. I want a coterie of the most ridiculously dressed people possible.
- You gotta play music, and it's gotta be good. For clarification, please see the specific items I would like below.
- You are encouraged to make up stories about me that sound awesome. Did I save some orphans from drowning? Fight off a lion with my bare hands? Once rescue a gondola of nuns in the Alps? These are all great lies, and I want you to tell them with 100% conviction and demand that they're true. The more ridiculous the story, the better.
Specific item requests:
- If you're going to do an open casket viewing, I want one of my hands/arms to be attached to some invisible fishing line and looped through a grommet at the top of the casket. When someone walks in, an attendant is required to pull on the fishing line, pulling my hand/arm up and making it look like I'm waiving to them. If this is impractical in a casket, instead, buy a big stuffed chair and prop me up like I'm asleep on the couch with sunglasses on. Yes, again, I am serious and firm about this subject.
- For my body, I want to get cremated. Nuke me up, baby.
- Have a vinyl record made of my ashes. Either pick some goofy ghost noises or a really killer album. You can check my record collection, or ask someone who knew me, for an appropriate album pick.
- Use the rest of my ashes to plant a tree. There's like a billion companies that offer this. Please plant my big tree in an area where a bird will land on a branch and poop on somebody's head. This would give me great joy from the afterlife.
- As you transport me to my final venue (be it for a viewing or whatever, but remember, no churches), I want to be a part of a Jazz funeral. This is the most pressing of the specific requests. If you're unsure what a Jazz funeral is like, it's basically as pictured below. If anybody doesn't like hot jazz, tell them they're under absolutely no obligation to come to my funeral anyway. If you can get the band to stick around for the party after whatever loosely structured memorial you set up, that'd be great.
- Please hire an actress to play the role of a distraught former lover who spends at least a significant amount of time weeping and wailing about how she secretly loved me. This is the one exception to the 'no crying' rule. Please don't inform anyone who the weeping actress is, because I would rather freak out some normies who stumble on my funeral if they just don't know about it.
- Milk and cookies, plus whatever other food items you'd like to arrange (I don't know if it's a lunch or dinner or what) should be served following the proceedings.
- Each guest is to be given a slip of paper with a different awful joke on it; you are to exchange these jokes liberally and loosely, with the encouragement to spice them up a little as necessary.
- The official last words spoken as part of the 'funeral program' are to be, "He was a real sonovabitch, but we're sure gonna miss him." Language and phrasing non-negotiable.
- Any additional touches that you think might be nice are appreciated and encouraged, just so long as you're confident I would have liked them in life. Don't roll the dice on me in death, yo.