THE BOOK OF AUSTIN
1 Lo, and on this day I have received word from the Lord thy God, and I’m gonna be honest, He’s pretty pissed at some of you.
2 And also me, for the Lord commandeth, “Why do people keep referring to me as a He, isn’t it weird that you’re assigning a human gender to an omnipotent, all powerful master creator who can do literally anything? You don’t think I could be a woman if I wanted to? Quit dragging me into your human drama about gender, just call me God.”
3 And I sayeth unto the Lord, “Sorry God, my b,” and the Lord confirmeth unto me that it ain’t, in fact, no thang.
4 And the Lord spoke unto me, saying, “Do you realize how many books I wrote telling you people what to do, and you literally just pick and choose which ones you want?”
5 “I even made some of them contradict other ones to see if you were paying attention, or even using that critical thinking I gave you, and you guys did neither. Do you know how frustrating it is that I have to keep repeating myself to you?”
6 And I nodded in agreement, for lo, as I have worked with children before, I can indeed confirm how frustrating it is to repeat yourself over and over.
7 The Lord appreciated my nod, and continued, “Basically I’m going to tell you everything important one more time, and if you don’t pay attention, then that’s on you, because I’m pretty sick of saying it over and over.”
8 And I went to my laptop and began to type, and wrote these rules, which I have transcribed from God’s own commands:
9 I am the Lord thy God, and I made all of you — yes, all of you. Please don’t try to nail down the specifics of Me, you’re not going to understand it, I promise.
10 Because I made all of you, I cannot pick a favorite. I mean, I have my own personal favorites, but I’m fair and just, so that doesn’t mean anybody gets any special treatment.
11 That means that none of you should give anybody any special treatment either — you’re all Brothers and Sisters, and you all need to be treated equally.
12 If you have treated someone unequally in the past, you must do your best to make right any previous slights or injuries, and promise not to do it again going forward.
13 This applies doubly for people who don’t believe in Me, because since they don’t, you need to leave an extra good impression as you are working on My behalf.
14 The road is long, and you will all be given your own assortment of problems. It is my command that you do the absolute best you can to relieve the problems of others when you can. And don’t bullshit me, I live inside of you, I know when you could ease someone else’s suffering and yet you choose not to. Don’t play me like that, I literally made the universe, don’t think I can’t see when you’re just being lazy.
15 Inequality is a big thing for you people, so let me be very clear: I don’t care if one person has more than the other person, as long as every person’s basic needs are met. This means that they have somewhere safe and clean to stay, enough food to get fat on, a little pocket money to buy some distractions and entertainment, and the safety to sleep without worry at night. Once you can guarantee everybody that, I’m totally cool with some of you having extra money for funsies, but until then, hoarding it is against my wishes. You probably already remember that, since Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha said it a bunch of times, but I’m reminding you about it specifically since you seem to screw this one up so badly.
16 Like, seriously, Earth simultaneously has an epidemic of obesity and famine, how are you people possibly justifying that?!
17 Treat other people the way that you would want someone to treat your most treasured loved one. You are all the same and all equal in my eyes, so quit treating other people badly. If someone else tells you to treat people badly, or makes justifications for doing so, know that they are My enemy and are not doing My bidding.
18 I created you all, why would I want some of you to receive bad treatment and others of you to have a really nice, cushy life?
19 Do you think it’s because you’re inherently good, because you’re not, I promise. I made you. I would know.
20 I know how much of a struggle it is to be nice. If it was easy, I would have just done it for you, like making your eyelids blink automatically.
21 Check it out, I can make you super aware of your eyelids so that you feel like you need to blink more, isn’t that crazy? Haha, nailed it! Sorry. Anyway. We’re getting sidetracked.
22 Let me be super clear on this one: the worse somebody’s situation is compared to yours, the more I expect you to do for them.
23 If you’ve been lucky and have a really great life, I expect massive things out of you. If you’ve had an objectively crappy life, I’m willing to give you some leeway.
24 Don’t get cute and pretend like you don’t know what an objectively crappy life looks like, by the way, I know you know better, don’t treat Me like an idiot, I’m literally God.
25 Some of you might need a little extra clarification. If some of My children have given you a snappy label like ‘racist’, ‘bigot’, ‘sexist’, ‘homophobe’, ‘transphobe’, really anything ending with a -phobe that means you act like a dick to a group of people, I want you to reread the above sections carefully. You need it more than most.
26 I sayeth unto you now, if you need one clear directive, I command thee: don’t be a dick.
27 The reason that I command you to not be a dick is because I haven’t decided if there’s really going to be a Heaven or not. You people haven’t given me a compelling argument for or against it, so it’s undecided.
28 I would strongly advocate that if you want to go to Heaven, you start building it now on Earth, because the jury is still gonna be out by the time you die, bucko.
29 If the idea of a perfect place where everyone is nice to each other all the time sounds so appealing to you, how come you haven’t started working towards that on Earth? Why do you think I need to get involved? You’re fully capable human beings, why not do something without me holding your hand for a change?
30 If you need specifics about some of this stuff, why not just consult with everybody else and get the temperature of the room?
31 ‘Gosh, is rape OK?’ No, of course not, idiot, just about everybody agrees it’s terrible, so don’t do it.
32 The stuff I wrote about not eating shellfish or wearing clothing with mixed blends of materials? You were right to ignore that, some of that was written specifically for people at the time I said it. Like, I didn’t give them rules about when to use their smartphones because they didn’t need them, just like I don’t think you need rules about shellfish in the modern year, right?
33 Just don’t be a dick, OK?
34 If you want specifics about certain issues, why don’t you solve the broad problems first, and then hit Me up. I’ll give you more specific answers once you, say, fix that planet I gave you.
35 It’s like I bought you a brand new car when you turned sixteen and you absolutely trashed it within the first year. Do you know how offensive that is to me?
36 You people have been on the Earth for less than 1% of the entire time it has existed and you’ve already trashed it? And you wonder why I’m not sure if you get to go to Heaven and chill with me? Really?
37 You people are so inconsiderate, seriously.
38 And yes, I keep calling you ‘you people’. Don’t act like we’re the same. I’m the omnipotent creator of the universe and you are my kids. I’m still the one paying the cosmic electrical bill around here.
39 Me, I’m exhausted. I don’t know how much more of this I need to spell out for you specifically.
40 But, like, should I need to tell you anything else, could you please stop killing My messengers?
41 You people have the worst taste in human beings, you seriously need to fix that. I’ve given you a bunch of really rad people to emulate and you keep choosing awful ones to follow. I get that you’re teenagers and you’re just trying to piss off your parent, but knock it off, seriously.